Well fancy seeing you here...

Hello and welcome to the rambling rollercoaster of useless ponderings, strung together in what the internet calls a "blog," and the voices call a waste of everyone elses time.

Please check your sanity at the door (along with your dignity, logic, principles, good taste and prejudices against daftness.)

"I am here to seduce you into a love of life; to help you to become a little more poetic; to help you die to the mundane and to the ordinary so that the extraordinary explodes in your life." -Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Conversation with a Spamwhore

I have neglected this blog since I started getting the insomnia under control, but was reminded of it tonight when I received the most convoluted unsolicited email I've had since somebody passed my details on to the Nigerian royal family. And genereous as they were, boy were they difficult to shake off! I told them I couldn't handle the responsibility of millions of pounds being transferred into my bank account, but I guess people raised in privilege will never understand my life. When I wish that I could win the lottery, I always work out what the minimum would be that myself and my family/friends would need to live comfortably, and hope for that. If I had too much money I'd probably spend it on shoes. ...Well, shoes and every Big Issue seller with a dog. I'll sometimes walk past a Big Issue seller if all they have is a risk of pneumonia, heartwrenching sadness emanating from their person, and a distinct case of malnutrition. But if they have a dog, I crumble. If they're keeping it warm inside their coat, there's every chance I'll hand over the keys to my house and move into the shed.

This email failed to appeal to that conscience, warped as it is. In fact, it may not even be worthy of the derision contained within this post. I should have just deleted it and moved on with my life. But because I was bored I wanted to feel like I was doing something more constructive than daydreaming about not winning the lottery. So the correspondence is faithfully reproduced here (though fragmented for comic effect) with my thoughts as it progressed toward its agenda.


"BABE... i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been
tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of
garbage and keeps freezing.."

HI! No, this is the first email. My laptop can be a bitch too. So... who is this?

"anyways how u been? In case u dont know
who this is its ME ADRIANA.."


"we used to chat a bit on facebook and then
I think u deleted me :( "

Probably for repeatedly abbreviating the word "you".

"haha.. anyways guess what... I got 2 things to
tell u.. both good news.."

You're getting sterilised and joining a silent order?

"1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke up
about 3 months ago..."

Don't tell me, he found out that you're actually the age suggested by your reading level?

"and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEAR U.."


"lol... ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3
cousins too but i cant chill with them"

Why is it awkward, are two of them unhappy that you're marrying the 3rd?

"lol..I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finally can"

That doesnt sound like me.

"HAHA! im kinda scared to move.. im hoping this email addy is still the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe even help me move my shit in...are u still on facebook? i cudnt find ui was soo confused"

That means I blocked you. And your shit.

"...anyways im gonna need someone to show me the town and take me out so u better be around bebe...we only chatted a couple times but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot know u better when i was single..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnt tell u cause i wasnt single lol..."

You're not the weirdest person to have called me cute this week, but he's still more my type than you are.

"ok so more info about me.."

I think I know everything I need to already.

"well im 23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for drinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel.. "

Maybe I shouldn't judge a book by its crayola-scrawled cover. You really don't sound that bad.

"i have a lil kitty named BOO and i luv her to death... "

I take that back.

"uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but every gurl is they just wont admit it."

That's more information about you than I need. I can't vouch for the legitimacy of your generalisation, either, as I'm not familiar with the supposed reticence of "gurls". Women, on the other hand, are far more candid about our needs than you seem to appreciate.

"so ilove watching p0rn and all that.. love sex etc blah blah blah...who doesnt.."

You actually seem rather blase. I'm not convinced you enjoy it very much at all. Maybe breaking up with your boyfriend was for the best. He can't have been very good.

"I really hope we get a chance to chat for a bit either online or on the fone before i get there enxt week."

If you think I've deleted and blocked you on facebook, what do you think the chances are that I'll answer your calls?

"OH YA also.. i need to find a job when i get there.. do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring? id LOVE to work in a bar or osmehting like that...really anythgin cause my current job is fun and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. i currently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be out meeting people.."

The person you have me confused with must work for the Jobcentre. I can see why they've been ignoring you.

"oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what i
did? hmm shud i......????"

Not unless you work for the Samaritans, because I'm already losing the will to live.

"ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded out on me.."

I'm chatting to an email, you'd be surprised what I consider sane.

"i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat with people and get naked HHAHA... BOMB right :)? I KNOW.. like i figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play with myself heheh...anyways i hope u dont look down on that"

Not as much as I look down on your grammar. If you're recruiting, then ask me again if we hit a secondary recession.


Well geez, I'm no supermodel but there's no need to be quite so sure.

"lol... i actually need help once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out....like i said before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON STOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol.."

I don't see how I can help. I've neither a van nor a qualification in IT maintenance.

"ANYWAYS.. heres the deal....every month natalie (my boss) gives each of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like everyone else..."

Good for Natalie. I'm sure that will help you break the ice with your trio of cousins.

"i figured u cud always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room..."

It sounds like it'd be the worst place to chat with you. You type awfully as it is, I dread to think what state your penmanship (or keyboard) would take if you were engaged in your work, and I'd prefer not to fraternise with your clients.

"so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room... if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. but remember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. I TRUST U... "

Can't you just give me a number, then I can confirm that I'm not who you think I am without opening my laptop up to the viruses and malware that are making yours so buggy?

"im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move..
also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :("

Media Studies or beauty therapy?

"I really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now.. im gonna go start work.. i really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my stress about the move... REALLY i mean that"

I have no recollection of you at all, and would discourage you from moving. Especially if it's closer to me. Relieve all the stress by staying put.

"once i see u in insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u dont wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find me now days.."

Just email your number, then you needn't deprive one of your future uncle-husbands of their VIP pass.

"hahahahha...k babe im out for now... chat ya soon..."

I really hope not.


Anyone looking for the link contained within the original email should click here

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