Well fancy seeing you here...

Hello and welcome to the rambling rollercoaster of useless ponderings, strung together in what the internet calls a "blog," and the voices call a waste of everyone elses time.

Please check your sanity at the door (along with your dignity, logic, principles, good taste and prejudices against daftness.)

"I am here to seduce you into a love of life; to help you to become a little more poetic; to help you die to the mundane and to the ordinary so that the extraordinary explodes in your life." -Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

Cosmic Carrots, and Googling Gerald.

Another example of the universe conspiring to humiliate me was an automated email I received today. Every morning at around 6:20am I am emailed a piece of general-knowledge trivia, or quote. I signed up for it ages ago, and then got bored with it so usually delete them. This morning at 6:15am Joanna Lumley once more informed me that I "have email." Having little better to do I decided I'd read it, though still rather drolly complained to an empty room that, "I wonder what that could possibly be?" It replied:

"Today is May 6, 2008.

You are too sarcastic.

~Periander of Corinth, his motto, inscribed on Temple of Apollo at Delphi,~"

If that's not a cosmic indictment of a personality, then what is?

I embarked on a week of sun and shopping today, but the hands-down unbeatably best thing I did was join a Facebook group called "On the 15th of May, everyone go out and panic-buy carrots." I don't think I can explain how much I love this group. It's that sort of random bonkers-ness that is the only reason I get out of bed in the morning (okay, afternoon usually, but that's not the point!)

After that I spent an hour trying to figure out a way to list myself in the category "Just For Fun - Totally Pointless." I haven't worked out quite how yet but I'm sure there's a way to make it possible, even if I have to get hold of the teenage nerdlinger who designed Facebook and persuade him to change the rules for me. (Calling him a "teenage nerdlinger" is possibly offensive, so make that 'billionaire twenty-something nerdlinger.') He's probably called Gerald. I'll google it in a minute and find out. (I won't google 'Gerald,' I'll google 'creator of Facebook' - otherwise I could end up posting a photograph of anyone. Well...anyone called Gerald, anyway.)

Talk of googling reminded me of something I should have done yesterday, so I had to google Barry Manilow first, but after that I discovered that the creator of Facebook is called (drum roll please)...Mark Zuckerberg!

The guy who made all this possible.

I wonder if - when people ask him how long it took him to create this little online community - he says "six days, I took Sunday off." I really hope he does say that. I would. (I do say that: when people ask me how long some of the jewellery takes to create. They usually do little more than look at me funny, but it's still always worth it - especially if I have designed anything that even vaguely resembles a cross.)

I have just heard on Radio 5Live that Portugal's national football team coach Luis Felipe Scolari may replace Sven Goran Eriksson at Manchester United. I don't know enough about it to have any idea if this is good, bad, unlikely or ridiculous. I am so glad I don't work for the FA though, because every time I hear someone say his name, the little voice in my head repeats it to the tune of Morrissey's 'Piccadilly Palare,' and I begin humming it. Singing "Luis Felipe Scolari" would make me look like an idiot in a board meeting. (Try it, they have the same metrical rythm, and it will get stuck in your head.)

I do know that Sven has the best job in the world - as from what I can ascertain, his job is making millions at 'getting sacked from stuff.' Even I could do that.

I forgot that I have left the bedroom window open and have just been startled out of my few dwindling wits by a crow cawing uncommonly raucously. There is a morose irony to having years shaven off of ones life by a bird often so strongly associated with imagery of death. If this were the beginning of a film, then that would be a bad sign - but as it's the end of a blog instead, I am determined to view it in a more positive light.

I'm bored now, so while I still have the Google search engine open I've tapped in "facts about crows," because I realise that I have not learned anything useful today (except that ASOS had a 20% off shoe sale.)

So...here are some Facts About Crows:

"As members of the corvid family, crows are considered to be among the most adaptable and intelligent birds in the world"

"The Sioux tell the story of how a white crow used to warn buffalo of approaching hunting parties. The buffalo would then stampede, and the hunters would be left hungry. Eventually, an angry Indian threw the bird in a fire, which turned it black."

"Early historical records reveal that "crow" has long been synonymous with "despicable predator". King Henry VIII put a public bounty on the crow along with its relation the rook. The crow also has a special distinction in the United States. During World War II, it was designated as an enemy of the American public and was subject to a widespread propaganda campaign that stated the "black bandits" were robbing the nation's farms of grain."

That last one is my favourite crow fact. Bandito crows! I see The Birds remade along the lines of Zorro; with Tippi Hedren in the lead role instead of Catherine Zeta Douglas-fecking-Jones.

...I have just had the latest automated email. Today's said:

"Today is May 7, 2008

"Persons successfully pleading insanity spend more time in a mental hospital than they would if found guilty and sentenced to jail."

~The John Hinkley Trial and its Effects on the Insanity Defense by Kimberly Collins, Gabe Hinkebein, and Staci Schorgl~"

I told you that the universe has it in for me.

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