Well fancy seeing you here...

Hello and welcome to the rambling rollercoaster of useless ponderings, strung together in what the internet calls a "blog," and the voices call a waste of everyone elses time.

Please check your sanity at the door (along with your dignity, logic, principles, good taste and prejudices against daftness.)

"I am here to seduce you into a love of life; to help you to become a little more poetic; to help you die to the mundane and to the ordinary so that the extraordinary explodes in your life." -Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

Thursday, 24 April 2008

Loopy Laws and Double-Parking an Elephant

I was chatting to someone today about the archaic laws that are still in place in this country (specifically one about not shooting a Welshman on a Friday, and whether that meant that Tom Jones is fair game the rest of the week.)

Apparently not, was the answer - but it did get me thinking about the other odd laws I have read about. For example, it's in The Sun today that Russell Brand was turned away from NYC airport. I wonder if this is the reason why...

NEW YORK: 'A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.'

He'd never agree to blinkers. Not with that hair.

Some of the laws I came across seem too obvious to be laws. They're common sense - not something that should require legislation to prevent people from doing. Like the warning on vacuum-cleaner boxes that says you can't put dogs in the microwave. Or something. (Thinking about it: that warning was probably on a microwave box. ...Or a dog, but as they don't usually have instructions, I would probably opt for 'microwave.') A couple of 'obvious' examples include:

ALABAMA: 'It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.' Good! I should hope that anyone wearing a blindfold whilst driving would be arrested immediately. For one thing, they would never be able to see an ambulance light flashing, or read ECNALUBMA emblazoned across the front of it - which could cost someone their life if the ambulance was in a hurry. Especially with all the extra accidents caused by the blindfolded driver in the first place - of which there are bound to be many.

ALASKA: 'It is illegal to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.' Why - does that happen often? As it specifies 'live' moose, then is the forcible evacuation of dead moose considered acceptable aviation practice? Why only moose? Why not giraffe, or tarantulas, or emu? It can't be any harder shoving an Emu out of a plane than it is to get rid of a moose. (I bet plenty of stewardesses wanted to when Rod Hull climbed aboard too!)

ILLINOIS: 'It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs.' They're not so strict about this one - I've seen the painting. They let 'em play snooker too. In fact, it's well known that Ronnie O'Sullivan is a beagle.

Other American laws are just bonkers. Makes you wonder what circumstances caused them to be passed in the first place. I mean - how many times have you tried to park an Elephant, only to be told that you need to pay the same rate as if it were a vehicle? Not frequently, I would imagine. If you ever do get fined for double-parking an Elephant, however, then you'll obviously be in Florida. They also state that: 'A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday, or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.' Wonder what they'd make of that bit of Billy Connolly's World Tour where he did naked bungee jumping? How would you classify that? (Apart from as 'not pretty.')

More unnecessary laws I found are:

FLORIDA: 'It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.' Well, unless Duncan Goodhew goes on Celebrity Fame Academy, this seems an unlikely occurrence.

and: 'Any form of sexual contact other than missionary position is a misdemeanour.' So the aforementioned Mr Brand won't be visiting Sea World then? (That makes it sound like he'd shag an Orca, I don't mean that - but *insert your own Free Willy joke here.* ...Why should I do all the work? It's 4am, if you want jokes about how 'free' his is, then go and buy the Daily Star.)

INDIANA: 'Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.' I don't know how useful this law is in Indiana. If it were France, then I'd find it less eccentric. Actually, they could do with that law on the IOW too, as they produce a lot of garlic.

LOUISIANA: 'It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.' Why the 'water pistol' caveat? Does that mean that robbing a bank with a real gun is legal?

and: 'Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."' What if you only have a few false ones? Or just a bridge? Would your upper and lower jaw be charged separately?

MASSACHUSSETTS: 'Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.' Sensible. You shouldn't be eating sandwiches at a wake anyway. Creepy. Like the buffet in a strip club. Who eats there? Probably the same people who eat all the funeral sandwiches. There really are times when food is not a good idea.

OKLAHOMA: 'Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.' I hold my hands up. I'm guilty. Fine me - I once blew a raspberry at Jade Goody. That must count.

and: 'Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.' With this one, it's the wording that amuses me. Since when do dogs 'congregate?' That makes it sound planned - like they put up posters about a meeting, and all turned up at a designated time. It's a ludicrous way to be anthropomorphising canines. Next they'll be done for loitering. Or benefit fraud.

Speaking of fraud - and Americans - Blade was arrested tonight for Tax Evasion. Well, okay, Wesley Snipes was. Good job he wasn't caught in Portsmouth really. With a well-known character called 'Blade,' here he would have been arrested for possession of a concealed weapon. We are, after all, the city where a Paediatrician was attacked because they were mistaken for a paedophile. The justification given to local newspapers was that: "'e 'ad a plak."That's what happens when the village idiot gets into a literacy programme. It's better if you just don't teach them to read.

And this...is what happens when the village idiot is given internet access.

No comments: