Well fancy seeing you here...

Hello and welcome to the rambling rollercoaster of useless ponderings, strung together in what the internet calls a "blog," and the voices call a waste of everyone elses time.

Please check your sanity at the door (along with your dignity, logic, principles, good taste and prejudices against daftness.)

"I am here to seduce you into a love of life; to help you to become a little more poetic; to help you die to the mundane and to the ordinary so that the extraordinary explodes in your life." -Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

Monday, 14 April 2008

Politics is for Pussies

Hitler would never have assumed power had he lived in the modern day. Not because we are any less susceptible to governmental manipulation - because I think the war in Iraq proves that we are - but because even David Mitchell gets enough stick for having that ridiculous haircut. We would never take anyone seriously if they had a Chaplin moustache as well! Jay Leno said; "Politics is show-business for ugly people." Loath as I am to concur with an American chat-show host, I think he may have had a point. I cannot think of a single attractive politician. John F Kennedy wasn't bad, but I think I view him in a better light because of Marilyn Monroe and Jackie Onassis. Indeed - those ladies have proved far more enduringly iconic than most of the world-leading men of their association. (I am not just jealous that both women were dripping in more diamonds than the encrusted skull piece by Damien Hurst, and have been long worshipped as the epitome of beauty, style and grace. Nuh-uh. Not at all...)

I began thinking about politicians with stupid hair because I was asked today if I thought that MP Boris Johnson stands a chance of becoming the next London Mayor. I hadn't before considered it with any credibility. Yes, I've joked about how marvellously inept he would be bumbling through his official duties like the politically-incorrect buffoon he so often appears to be - offending every minority, ethnicity and gender along the way. I had not, however, given pause to the fact that his constituency have voted him in year after year - and he is actually a serious candidate putting himself forward to govern our capital city.

In recent interviews Boris has insulted all sorts of regions, but the incident I am patriotically obliged to take offence at is the occasion where he called Portsmouth a "city full of drugs, obesity and under-achievement." Now, I am about to say something that would have me lynched in any pub between here and Southsea, but...I'm inclined to agree with him.

Alongside the specific issues noted by Boris Johnson, we also have significant problems with crime. Statistics from 2006/07 show that 'Violence against the person' in Portsmouth stands at 32.6 (per 1,000 of the population) and is almost double the average in England of 16.7. 'Theft from a vehicle offences' in Portsmouth are 14.1 with the England average being 7.6. So my native Pompey is not the haven of peace and tranquility that we'd like to believe. If you're viewing this in Portsmouth, then well-done. You obviously defy Boris' proclamations regarding under-achievement, as you can both use the internet and read.

I do have to admit that the most interested I have ever been in Boris Johnson is as a figure of ridicule. On Have I Got News For You a couple of years ago Paul Merton wound Boris into knots, bamboozling him with obscure and illogical nonsense. It was wonderful to watch. I would be tempted to vote for him simply for his incompetent - but entertaining - performance there. The opportunity to see him flail in Prime Ministers Questions, and when being interviewed by Jeremy Paxman is tantalising - and might just be enough to make society realise how ludicrous the whole archaic governmental system has actually become. Boris is a living caricature, and if that (combined with the internationally-derided legacy of George Bush) - does not convince people that politicians are oft ill-advised imbeciles, then I dread to imagine what it will take.

Link to Part 2

Link to Part 3

All this talk of Politicians makes me think of city 'Fat Cats' - which inevitably leads me to my own cat. (Who is herself rather rotund.) Her weight issues are not the point today - but I will take a moment to defend her size as I have mentioned it. She has a slow metabolism, an under active thyroid and she is big-boned. She may also have water retention. She is not fat! I have no veterinary diagnosis to back up these claims, but I'd have no fingers left to type this with if she ever found out I had insulted her. ...That makes her sound like a Mafia boss. I don't think the Godfather trilogy would have sold nearly so well had there been a Mafioso called 'Tuppence.'

It is her name that sparked interest today, though. I discovered something amusing while chatting to my friend Anna - who's a spirited mancunian like Karl Pilkington, the Gallagher brothers and Morrissey - though with a far more agreeable temperament! 'Up Norf' elderly people use 'tuppence' as an informal term for female genitalia. To paraphrase the lovely Anna; up there, my pussy would be called Fanny.

That's such a juvenile observation, but I shall remember it the next time I'm stood in the garden (already feeling like a prat for frantically shouting "Tuppence" across the adjoining rooftops because she is about to fall down someone's chimney chasing pigeons.)

And while I do, I shall be praying that none of my new neighbours hail from Manchester.

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